- He prayed.
- He cried aloud.
- He poured out his complaint to God.
- He rehearsed his trust in God.
- He longed for God's presence.
- He confessed his desperate need.
This week we received sobering news from Joel's brother, Josh and his wife Amanda. Their precious baby girl, Gabrielle, who is due in February, has a heart with no chambers. What that means, in the bare basics, is that her heart has to work a lot harder than a regular heart and she will have to undergo her first of several surgeries when she is just five days old. And there are no guarantees.
So, I find myself, like David, crying aloud and pouring out my complaints. Now, I'm supposed to start rehearsing my trust in Him, right? I confess that often times I forget to go there. But this time, I can't quite get there. I'm not sure exactly why this time I have struggled to rest on the character of God. Perhaps it has something to do with the memories of watching my sister and brother-in-law live through and with losing a child and the deep hope that Josh and Amanda don't have to suffer that pain. Perhaps, as I almost scream at God that He has to do a miracle on that heart, I believe I want wholeness for little Gabrielle more than He does. My head knows that He is trustworthy. My heart can't seem to find the strength to trust. So, this morning, on a walk with the kids, I forced myself. I know, that sounds awful, right? But, I found two things I could say and I repeated them. Over and over. I don't even remember now what those two things were and it didn't magically make me feel better.
But tonight, I feel like I can think about the whole situation without dissolving into tears. That I can begin to pray for the miracle that Josh and Amanda are praying for, without demanding it. And I guess, that's a step in the right direction.